I’ve been off work for two years on March 17. The first year I can honestly say was pretty damn tough. The complications I had from my heart surgery made it a long difficult year, but this past year has truly been so wonderful. I consider myself very blessed to have been able to take this time and really just focus on my soul. I spent the last two years doing things for me. It took a bit of time to get over feeling selfish,to not feel guilty for taking the time and not rushing to get back to work, but I’m just so grateful that financially Greg and I had prepared for something like this. It gave me the opportunity to really heal, physically, mentally, emotionally. I was able to spend time doing things like gardening, painting, cooking, canning, woodworking, and going for lunch with my girlfriends as often as I could! I’ve never not worked, and sometimes 2 or 3 jobs at a time. I had spent years, literally years, working 12-18 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. The stress dealing with some of the stuff at my last work and the long hours and being sick and not knowing it, took its toll, and so having this time off was really necessary. I’ve learned that I don’t need to justify something that I cherish, even if other people don’t understand it. But the funny thing is, most people I’ve talked to in the last two years have said how much they would like to be able to do the same thing… to take time to heal their own soul.

We’ve always enjoyed visiting and seeing family and friends, but over the last couple of years, we’ve come to value and appreciate being able to do things with our family and friends even more. Visiting, hosting, getting together for games nights, going to gatherings where we get to see everyone… these have always meant a lot to us, but now we realize just exactly how important those things are. These little moments have truly become the big ones for us. I guess it comes from having lost loved ones, having had our parents be very ill and nearly die ( Greg’s dad did die), and nearly dying myself. It puts a perspective on life. People tell me that I’m brave because of what I went through, and because I’ve decided to say yes to different things, like blogging. I say thank you to that,and I’m in no way discounting what I did go through, but to me, the people who are brave are the ones who have lived with a loss so great, so horrible that they don’t know how they will go on. Yet they do. They become stronger and more caring and more loving instead of becoming bitter and angry. Our friends lost their little girl in an ATV accident. She was 6. My girlfriend lost her husband when her daughter was 3 and she was about 6 weeks pregnant. Yet these people have continued on in their lives; grieving and sad and devastated -yes- forever changed- yes- but they have gone on to live and to love again.They are the bravest souls to me. These people understand that it’s the little moments together, a look across the room from your spouse or lover, a hug from your child when you least expect it, that moment your child says or does something so embarrassing you want to cover your face and hide, a thank you and smile from a complete stranger, these are the things that make life worth living.

I always felt like I was just going through the motions of life when I was growing up, that I was a bit of an observer looking in at life, but never really living it. I dreamed such big dreams of travelling the world and writing the greatest novels that included all kinds of great recipes I’d made. I dreamed of having university degrees and of speaking multiple languages, of being somebody important. Not famous, but important. I’m certainly not famous, nor am I rich,. No, I’ve never saved a life. I haven’t traveled to every corner of the earth, yes we’ve traveled some, and if I could, I’d be gone traveling all the time. No, I’m not fluent in any language other than English., but I do speak and understand enough French to carry on a conversation. I can understand some Spanish, Italian and German. I’ve never written a best selling book, but I have started blogging and sharing some of my photos and recipes. I have been the best mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, boss,etc., that I know how to be. And I’m learning every day. What I am doing is changing my thought process by being even more open to what the world is going to show me, give me, teach me. I think too, that these little thing, may, someday be the big things.

I’m pretty sure that most of us sit back and look at our lives, our ordinary, mundane, sometimes boring lives, and feel like we’re on the cusp of something so big, so great that we just can’t wait for those great, big, wonderful moments to come. But what if those little things, are not little? What if those little things, like going to work every day, like driving the kids to and from their activities every day, like making supper for our family every day-what if those moments really are the big ones? What if those moments are when the memories are made with our kids, with our spouses, with our friends? What if those big, great, fantastic memories that come from those incredible vacations we all love going on are so few and far between, that those everyday moments become what makes our life meaningful? Is it just me that thinks this way? Is it just me that has these crazy, ridiculous thoughts? Do other people feel the same as me? I think so. I think that most of us want our kids to look at their lives, their everyday lives, as being important, and fun, and boring, and life! I think we are all dreaming of the “good life”. I laugh and joke and say that I’d never go back to work if I didn’t have to, or if I won the lottery! Lol! But reality is, we are not likely to win the lottery, and I like our life the way it’s set up now. Most of us will go through life living and working and eating and sleeping just like we always do. So how, how do we really make those little moments between the boring and mundane and ordinary, count?

For me, those special moments come most often when we have friends or family gatherings. Whether we are hosting or whether we are going to someone else house, it’s about the people and of course, the food. (One of the appetizers that I make and get asked to bring all the time is my Spinach Dip. It’s below… no the girls won’t have to put the recipe on my headstone. It won’t be “over my dead body”that I share the recipe. I’ll share it now! )It’s playing games and laughing so hard I need Depends! It’s working in my garden and listening to my neighbours little girl ask her mom ” what the heck is that lady doing with all those sand pails? What is she doing? Is she crazy?” Then listening to her the next day as I planted my herb garden and say to her mom ” Wow, can we do that too, Mom, that looks so cool!” The picture I posted is the herb garden I put up on my deck. I’m pretty sure Greg thought I was crazy too doing that, but I wanted something fun and bright and colourful, so I did it! The pictures above are some of the woodworking that I did this past summer. The woodworking that I did is by no means expert, but it was so fun, so healing, and so fulfilling. That for me became a big moment. Doing this blog has become a big moment. For me, putting myself out there in such a public way makes me feel quite vulnerable. It’s also quite freeing. All the thoughts that I have, I’m pretty sure most others have too. ( though , maybe not, maybe I am just out to lunch!) But seriously, I have loved being able to try new things, to lessen my fears by saying yes to things I’ve never tried. I always was a perfectionist, and that was good in some ways, but it also meant that I had huge fears to try anything new because I wasn’t perfect at it right away. This time at home, this life changing situation that I was in, has allowed me to to overcome some of those perfectionist fears.

I’ve posted this quote by L.R. Knost on Facebook before, but I believe it’s worth posting again. To me, it truly does epitomize exactly what I feel about life.

“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

I’m not sure I have the answers to my own questions, but I’m working on finding those answers. I’m working on feeling like what I am doing is enough. I’m working on taking each moment, each boring, mundane moment, and looking at the good, the fun, the positive that comes from each of them, and making each of those precious little moments count as the big moments. But I have also realized that sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning, is a big thing. Just stepping into a room filled with people, is a big thing. That just writing that first word, that just taking that first step, that these are the things that move me forward, that make me better ,stronger, happier. Michelangelo started the Sistine Chapel with just one brush stroke. Wayne Gretzky became the greatest hockey player ever by taking one step onto the ice. My goal may not be to be the greatest at anything, but my goal is to LIVE life; to share kindness and gratitude and love with as many people as I can. Starting with me. Starting with the little things, and making them count as the big things.

Spinach Artichoke Dip

Ingredients:

3/4 cup cream cheese ( softened) 2 cups sour cream

1/2 cup Miracle Whip splash Worcestershire Sauce

2 TBSP Lemon juice 1/2 cup chopped Marinated Artichoke

1 pkg frozen spinach (squeezed as dry as possible) 1/2-3/4 cup grated Parmesan

1-1 1/2 cup shredded cheddar

I use chopped dill weed, or if I’m not serving it to my friend Glenn who has onion allergies, I use Epicure Spinach Spice or Epicure Cheese Chive and Bacon Spices. These do both contain onion so I only use them when I know Glenn isn’t going to be eating the dip!

Mix cream cheese, sour cream, Miracle Whip, lemon and Worcestershire and dill or Epicure spices together until smooth. Add finely chopped spinach and marinated artichoke hearts. Stir in Parmesan and cheddar. Taste! Add more spices or lemon as needed. Use a fairly large casserole dish and bake for 30- 40 minutes at 350 Degrees.

For a healthier alternative, I use 0% Greek yogurt instead of sour cream, and light cream cheese and cheddar instead of regular. I do find that these do not melt together as well, and the sodium content is very high in the lower fat alternatives.

This is by no means a “healthy, low fat” recipe, but it is friggin’ DELICIOUS! And I finally shared it for all of you who ask… see no big secrets! LOL! Enjoy!