This picture is one I took of some buildings on a farm north of Evansburg. I made Greg come with me a few weeks ago to take pictures of old abandoned buildings. Greg doesn’t really like things like this, in fact, he really doesn’t like them at all. Every time we go somewhere and I see buildings like this, I always want to stop and snap some pics. He just says that he thinks they should all be torn down so the yards are cleaned up. I understand completely what he is saying, yet there is something about them that still attracts me to them…maybe its my Saskatchewan roots and the history I see in the buildings, and the stories these buildings must have, or maybe it’s that I kind of relate to them, sitting alone and forgotten on a landscape, and every once in a while someone will drive by and notice them. It’s like they still have some hope. I’m sure most of us have felt like that at some point in our lives, and if not, well, I think you’re lucky to not have felt that.

I was speaking with a few different friends recently about finding a job and going back to work. This economy in Alberta has been difficult for quite a few people. Many of us have been laid off, let go, terminated, fired…whatever you want to call it. For some,the downturn in the economy resulted in jobs being lost so businesses could stay in business, whether through job restructuring, or position elimination. For others, it was because someone decided that they had a hate-on for them and wanted them gone. There are many reasons people lose their jobs, and each job loss has far-reaching effects. Financial…physical… spiritual…mental. Financially, many of us were lucky enough to be able to claim Employment Insurance, at least for awhile. The Federal Government even extended EI for some people. That’s really great. For many though, 50-60% of the former income is just not enough to make ends meet. Losing their job meant losing their house, their car, etc, especially if it has taken a long time to find another job. Some of my friends left the oil industry and their homes behind to move elsewhere to start over. A couple of friends have started their own businesses in completely different fields, one opened a restaurant., and one her own travel company. Financially, all of these things have affected them and their families. Tied to that are the mental thoughts that go through our heads when we lose a job. Feelings of guilt, anxiety, vulnerability, insecurity and anger manifest physically through flus, colds, headaches, sore muscles to the point one feels like a freight train has run over them. Depression for many is very common. This past weekend, some of my friends and I took a two-day Mental Health First Aid course to help us assess and identify someone with mental health concerns, and so we know that there are actually things we can do to help. It was a great course, and really well led by our instructor. For me, the reason I took it was because of the industry that I’ve worked in for nearly 30 years, and because of the mental health concerns with my own family and friends. I have had many many situations where this would have been helpful before, so now at least I have some actual solutions and actions that I know I can take to help if need be.

All of this leads me to talking about finding a job. I can say it has been one of the most challenging things I have had to do, not because it is physically hard to look for a job, but because of all the feelings that come up. I have felt insecure, inadequate, guilty, angry, hurt, hesitant… you name the emotion, I have felt it. I am writing this because I am pretty sure that many of my other friends are going through the same things I am, and maybe this will help us all to feel more “normal”. Most of us don’t like talking about our feelings, and certainly not when they are negative. I lost my job the day after I found out I needed life saving surgery. I had known it was coming for some time, but finding out the day after that news was heart wrenching, to say the least. I had worked for the same company on and off for nearly 18 years. I had been promoted 7 times over my career, to increasing larger stores, and finally to looking after 13 stores. I had received special awards from the owner/CEO of the company, and made bonuses regularly. I had built a solid reputation for working successfully with my team, with my home office business partners, and for being the ” go to fixer-upper”. Every promotion I was given was directed by the CEO because she knew that I could “clean” up HR issues. I enjoyed my work, my business partners, and my team that reported to me. When I was laid off I felt like my identity was stolen from me. I know, I know, we are NOT what we do, but truly, many of us feel that. When we are introduced to someone new, we don’t ask ” Who are you?”, we ask “What do you do?”. Since I no longer had a job, I felt like I couldn’t answer that question. I would laughingly say ” Oh, you know, I’m sitting on my ass doing nothing”, or I’d say ” Um, I’m not working right now, I’m recovering from heart surgery”, but really I was given the go ahead to go back to work after a year. This last year, I truly didn’t want to go back to work… partly because I was loving being able to be home and being able to develop some of the creativity that I had always wanted to develop. But now, it’s time to go back to work because I am starting to get restless, and financially I like the life that Greg and I have set out for ourselves. I like being able to travel, I like our home and having 2 cars. Financially, we have set our lives up for 2 incomes, so it’s time. But… finding a job can become a very daunting full-time job in itself. And it’s so different from years ago when we had to print of our resumes and drop them off, or fill out applications at each individual place , and wait to hear back from the hiring manager. Now, there are so many websites to scroll through, applications are all taken online, resumes can be posted to those websites and companies can find you. It’s a very different mentality and culture than when I was looking for work 18 years ago. There are hundreds of resume writing websites and cover letter writing sites and templates and it just goes on and on. It can be daunting to start over. And then we have the actual interview! Well, that’s a whole other story about anxiety and nerves. I had not had an interview in nearly 18 years. I have done hundreds of interviews, maybe even thousands, but always on the giving end, not the receiving end. It’s a very different feeling, and one that for me has truly not been comfortable.

It has brought back memories of when we were managing the apartments while Greg was in school. He had been laid off from work back in the 90’s, and within 2 days we knew he would be going back to school. We had 2 kids, I worked evenings and weekends at the Bay, and we now had no main income. It was terrifying, but we also knew that if Greg didn’t go back to school, we would never move forward. So we knew we would do whatever it took for him to go back. He decided to take Financial Management and Business Management at NAIT. We had moved to Stony Plain and into an apartment because Alicia was going to start grade one, and we were going to buy a house in town. Am I ever glad that we had decided to wait to find the “right” place, because at least we didn’t have a mortgage to pay too. The people who were managing the apartments we lived in were young, and we had helped them out a few times, so they suggested we contact their boss and see if there was a place we could manage. There was, but it was in Edmonton. We really wanted Alicia to go to school in Stony, at Meridian Heights, because it was a French Immersion program, and was the top ranked school in Alberta at that time. We decided to take the apartment in the city, but that I would drive Alicia to school everyday. As luck would have it, the apartment was right by NAIT so Greg would be able to walk to school. We started managing the building in the summer before Greg started school. We cleaned up the building and started trimming trees and just really fixing the place up. One day the owner of the building drove by. He went around the block a couple of times, and then finally pulled up in front of the building. He laughed as he got out of the car, telling us that he didn’t recognize the building because it looked so good! It was nice to hear that our work was valued. A few weeks later we got a call from our boss, and found out that the people who had been managing the building in Stony Plain had quit. We had told her that we actually would have preferred to be in Stony, so she offered us that building instead. It meant that we would be moving again, after a short 6 week stint in Edmonton. The thing was, we really wanted to be in Stony so it was worth having to move again, though I’m pretty sure our friends who helped us move didn’t think so! But, we were also really happy to move back to Stony because while we lived at the building in the city, Alicia’s brand new bike was stolen right off our balcony, and as we were packing to move, the girls and I were sitting on the couch in the living room. I looked up at the ceiling and I noticed a little black mark that I thought was a hole. Beside the hole it looked like there was a little bug. It moved, so Greg went up to squish it. He grabbed a stool and got up closer, and asked me to grab him the broom and a bucket. He poked the hole a little bigger, and THOUSANDS of ants came spilling out!! THOUSANDS!!! The girls and I screamed and ran, he was freaking because they were all over his arms and legs, and the ants were scurrying EVERY WHERE!!!!! It was a scene out of a horror movie! It was GAWD freaking awful! Needless to say that was motivation to move even faster. As a final action as apartment managers for that building, we made arrangements to fumigate the building and got our behinds out of there!

We managed the Stony apartments for almost 3 years. We met some really great people while living and working there, but we also met some very “interesting people”. That’s a conversation for another blog, because let me tell you, holy man, the stories we can tell! Anyway, I decided it was time for me to get another job after we had managed for about 2 years. Greg was about 3 months away from graduating, and I thought it would take me months to find a job. I remember crying and basically just freaking out because I truly believed I had no skills. It was an awful time. The self-doubt and the fear and the negative thoughts and emotions I had about myself made it really hard on my entire family. I had skills, but didn’t believe that and couldn’t find the words to put them into a resume anyway. Greg sat me down one day and helped me write a resume. It made me feel so much better, but I was still filled with anxiety and self doubt. Anyway, I was hired quite quickly as a manager for General Nutrition Centres and sent to Vancouver for training for a month. Greg was left to deal with a ton of stuff! He had two little girls, one in school, he was in school full-time and getting close to finals time himself, and we were still managing the apartments…and off I run to Vancouver. Let’s just say that Greg was a busy guy, and it was probably one of the most difficult, trying times in our life and our marriage. The whole point of my writing about that time though, is that looking for work this time around brought back a lot of those negative feelings and fears. What kind of work could I do besides retail? I had been in retail 28 years. Did I have the skill-set to change my career? Would I ever find work again? I had taken an online Medical Administrative Program so I had a diploma, but would people hire me with no experience in that field? Was the information I was putting in my resume helping or hindering? Things had changed so much from when I last wrote a resume. Back then, it was important to put things in chronological order, listing dates and companies worked for. You were supposed to include hobbies and interests and even references. Now, it’s recommended to not put dates on your resume at all, and to use job titles, rather than company names. You include who you worked for, but you highlight your position more so, and never include references. So many things to know! I used all those websites and tips and tricks and followed templates and wrote and rewrote and rewrote and rewrote so many times. I updated my cover letter every time I sent out a resume, even if they didn’t request one because the websites all say to include a cover letter that showcases quickly your skills and why you are a fit for their company. Between November and the middle of March I sent out over 150 resumes and cover letters. I had quite a few interviews, some multiple interviews with the same company. The thing that I found the worst is when I did have multiple interviews with the same company, (like 5 for one company), and then they don’t even have the courtesy to contact me to let me know I hadn’t been given the position. I mean, come on! Even when it was ” just a cashier” position that I was interviewing for, I’d call or email a little note that said ” Hey thanks for your time, we’ve decided to go with another candidate, but we wish you every success in your job search.” Or ” Hey, I still haven’t reached a decision, I have more interviews that I’m running, I’ll contact you before the end of next week.” AND I DID!! That’s it, that’s all, it took me two seconds, but it didn’t leave people hanging. It’s just rude! Ok, that’s my rant for the moment!

I think most people feel fear or self-doubt when we are exposing our vulnerabilities to the world. I know that it also brought feelings of anger towards my previous boss because I had been with the company for nearly 18 years, and it was gone. Every single day while with Indigo, I was able to see, touch, talk about, read and enjoy the books. Books for me are like breathing, they are an absolute necessity, so when I lost my job, I also felt like I had lost that too. I had 2 years where I really didn’t have to think about those feelings, but then as I started to look for work again, those feelings of anger and loss came to the forefront again. It took me time and conscious thinking to overcome those feelings, and to not blame my former boss and company. Looking for work is a time when we self reflect, especially when we’ve been laid off. It might be different if you have chosen to leave and move on, but when that choice is taken from you, as it was for me, I found that I had lost my sense of control. That might be more closely tied to being ill and needing surgery too, but this has truly been a time when I have been self reflecting and reviewing my career and choices and options and opportunities. It’s been educational and eye-opening for me. It’s made me realize a lot about myself. I don’t recommend losing your job, but I can honestly say that it wasn’t the worst thing that I’ve faced in my life, and I’ve also realized that whatever position I take ( I have accepted a position as an Operations Manager with Diabetes Canada, and I am very excited about it), but whatever position I take, I will give it a fair and honest time frame, but if I feel like it’s not working out, I get to choose to leave. I get to be in control of my decisions and of my mindset. Fear and self doubt and anxiety have no place in my future. I am working to overcome them, and with the love and encouragement of my family and friends, and with the relationships I have built through my former work, I know I am perfectly capable of being successful in whatever field I choose. Those skills that I didn’t think I had, well I do, and they are very very transferable. And to all of my friends who are looking for work, and there are actually quite a few, I hope you find your hope, your joy, and your passion in your next career! You all deserve it!